MPCO

     In therapy, we talk about corrective relational experiences a lot- ones where the client reframes their understanding of what relationships can and should look like because of an unexpected, positive reaction from their therapist that teaches them new ways of being. It teaches them that good relationships have the capacity to make them feel seen and understood, and that it's okay to let their guard down and be vulnerably themselves with people. Who knew that a Master's program could give you just that.

    These last two years have been harder than I could have ever imagined. The kind of vulnerability that it takes to be in this profession is not something I was prepared for. It seems obvious now, but back then I thought I already have what it takes to be a therapist in that way. I was already the one who listened and the one who gave advice, the one who scolded, even, when it was called for. What more was there to it? It's easy to sit back and talk about "sitting with discomfort" or "reflecting on my own biases" now. Heck, we've come to even joke about therapy speak and the "how are you feeling?" of it all. 

    But back then, I never thought about sitting through classes of what to do legally when a woman sits across from you and tells you she is being abused. I never thought about safety planning for a child that says they want to take their own life. I didn't consider that I would have to face a room full of 20, orating my deepest insecurities and my biggest fears, and listen to theirs in return for a graded course. The theory classes were never just theory. You can't separate your own life from those kinds of conversations. You can't help but refocus and rearrange your own experiences and relationships in the face of this sudden avalanche of knowledge that you are burdened with. Yes, it's theory for your exam but you've also spent your day wondering- did you ever really grieved the friendships you never expected to lose? Are you the pursuer or the distancer in your relationships? Can you really call your boundaries boundaries or just avoidance? Do you have Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder? Do you have unprocessed trauma? Do you even have healthy relationships? Have you ever even done anything right in your life? Who are you to be entrusted with others' stories? Who are you to help them when you don't know anything about anything at all?

    And when you eventually, inevitably end up at the most angsty, nihilistic, disillusioned breakdown you could ever imagine having, the last thing you would expect is for the people in the same boat as you to open their arms to you and tell you it will all be okay. And the lastest thing you would expect is for you to actually believe them. 

    This class of 60-odd, these teachers, this course were my corrective relational experience. Being seen, being understood and knowing it's okay to be whatever it is that I am. That's all it took for me to be able to become the person I always longed to be. To be someone who can stand up for myself, to be someone who can ask for help, to be someone who can even forgive herself every now and then. 

    So yes, MSc in Counselling Psychology truly was the friends we made along the way.